| "I'm getting old and I need something to rely on." |
[16 May 2006|11:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Somewhere Only We Know" Keane |
] |
It feels strange not to be doing schoolwork.
I was going to start on my turgy projects tonight, but I haven't really decided on my plays. Right now, I'm thinking Summer and Smoke by Tennessee Williams, Six Characters in Search of an Author by Luigi Pirandello, something by Chekov, or something absurdist. But I hate most absurdist theater.
I also thought maybe of doing Waiting for Godot, but that's overdone. Not that nothing else I'm picking is, but unless I pick something that's not used over and over again by scholars regarding Godot, I should just forget it.
So maybe I'll do that. Pick a play, that is. I'd like to do at least three papers this summer. Counting the Wild Duck paper, because that beast needs to be re-written like woah.
And I don't know why I'm writing all of this here. Maybe because I feel like I should be doing something of worth at the computer while I'm here.
Goals for Summer 2006:
Read 15 new books
Lose 30 pounds (10 per month, totally doable)
Pay off a good portion of my credit card debt
Write 3 good scholarly papers for internship stuff
Pick 4 top internships for summer '07
Organize my life
Get some semblance of self-acceptance (Note: I've 'tried' this before, but never really put any effort into it. This time, I'm really going to work on it. If that means that I'm spending absolutely no time with Steph's friends, then so be it. Because I don't like myself when I'm with them.)
Go on a photo safari
I really like this song. So, I'm going to share.
( Yay! Lyrics )
|
|
|
[27 Feb 2006|03:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 GAH! |
] |
So, I'm debating.
I need to drop a class. It's a fact. Something has to give, because I don't have enough time in the day to do everything that needs doing. And so, I need to make a decision.
Either drop Swift to Moderns or History of Western Sculpture.
I love Swift to Moderns. I really do. However, she requires a lot of time that I just can't dedicate to that class right now. However, I need it to graduate with my dual major.
Western Sculpture, on the other hand, doesn't require too much time. I have to write a four page paper by next week on an artist, but that's the most I've done for it so far. I don't, however, need it to graduate.
Or, I could stay in both classes and try my damnedest to get everything done in this next week, but that's not going to happen, so it's really not an option.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to drop Swift to Moderns, but I dunno. I really want to talk to Ro about it, but she's not in her office until 4:30-ish. I'm going to check at 4, but that still gives me a half an hour to wait.
I just know that I damn near threw up in lighting today because I got so stressed out. I could feel it coming up and everything.
Something has to give.
It wouldn't be an issue if I had time. But I don't. Lighting requires about three hours a day, and even then I only can dedicate maybe an hour to it with rehearsals and everything else. And I have to go to rehearsals for drama workshop, because I need the hours, because I only got half of my hours with researching and putting the project together (although, I must say, 30 hours since mid-January is extremely impressive, in my opinion.)
I will say this, though: Thank God for scene design. I'm having a little easier time with Lighting because I don't have to spend the hours upon hours it took for me to figure out how to use the damn tools.
Ro needs to be in her office like yesterday. Cause I really need to talk to her about this.
I think I'm going to go to Hamilton and pick up a class withdrawal form and then head over to her office and wait for her. Because I know she's there sometime soon, I just don't know when.
|
|
| So, it's come to this... |
[03 Jun 2004|12:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
Though I hate to do it, and I don't believe in it, this journal henceforth will be:
Yeah... comment or add me to your friends list to be added.
|
|
| A general "to-do" list... |
[23 Apr 2003|07:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
swamped |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"When I'm Gone" 3 Doors Down |
] |
Things I need to do for prom:
get shoes
get makeup
decide what exactly I plan to do with my hair
get jewelery (this isn't definite)
Things I need to do for school:
do at least a few of the assignments for Euro.
somehow attain a passing grade in French
stay awake in classes (no way am I doing caffeine though)
read Lord of the Flies (actually, this is pretty simple, I'll just BS the test)
reread Pygmalion (get it the hell over with)
Things I need to do for my room:
clean laundry
clean room
organize closet
get rid of all clothes I don't wear
Things I need to do in general:
learn to drive
french homework
learn to drive
start making lists for what I need for college (if I don't do it now, I never will)
learn to drive
fill out pictures
learn to drive
find my social security card
learn to drive
Things that I don't need, but want to do:
learn to drive
read a classic novel and translate it by myself(I'm in the mood for something littered in symbolism, like Animal Farm, but less irritating than Lord of the Flies, possibly something Poe-ish)
write a story based on the plot I've cooked up in my little brain
find out if thongs.com is a real website (this isn't hard)
A lot of this looks like more than it is. I should be able to get them done. Here's hoping.
Unfortunately, one of the most important things on that list (learning to drive) has a lot to do with the fact that I have no one to teach me. My parents and I will have to discuss this.
|
|
|
[23 Apr 2003|06:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"It's My Life" Bon Jovi |
] |
At this point, I haven't yet decided whether or not I care about my grade in Euro.
I guess I'll decide when I let my mom know about it.
I don't think she'll care. I mean, Alan practically fails everything, and at least I pass most of my classes.
It would be different if I needed this credit to graduate, or if I was learning anything. But since I'm not, screw it.
The circus was good. I didn't like the animal parts, but they were few and far between. Plus, you can tell that they love their trainers.
So yeah. But the people acts were great.
Especially the one with the magician. That was really cool.
I don't really have anything else to say. Except that I have plans for everyday this weekend, and it's only Wednesday!
I'm sufficiently excited.
|
|
| Today was, in a word, strange. |
[22 Apr 2003|05:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Dirrty" Christina Aguilera |
] |
OK. Let's break today down, shall we?
5 people told me they thought I'd lost weight.
7 people just said that I look different in general.
1 person gave me a sexual offer. I think this was a joke, though.
Basic question: What the fart?
I just keep wondering how I look different or whatever. Because, as far as I know, I haven't really changed much.
Well, that's not entirely true. I'm feeling better inside, so I guess that contributes to the outside looking-different-ness.
But still.
I started using a new shampoo. Maybe that's what it is. One of the comments was about my hair, so maybe.
But this new shampoo was used on Monday and Tuesday, too. So I dunno.
I'm not complaining, mind you, I'm just confused. Because I don't see it.
Today was good, though. I slept through French (again) and I found out my grade in Euro.
Originally, I thought it was a (HAH! Chei, OK) 91.8. Unfortunately, I was looking at the wrong marking period. My real grade is a 68%. Am I upset by this? A little.
Not enough to turn in my missing work, though.
I plan on doing most of my missing work, but I will NOT do the stuff that was due today.
|
|
|
[21 Apr 2003|09:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Fighter" Christina Aguilera |
] |
alifetimetoolate [9:40 PM]: gawd, he is so sexy, i just want to shoot myself in the vagina!
alifetimetoolate [9:41 PM]: ok, i just reread that and i am officially crazy
Crimson silk84 [9:41 PM]: yeah....
Crimson silk84 [9:41 PM]: it took me a minute to fully take that statement in
Crimson silk84 [9:41 PM]: but yeah
|
|
| I'm back... apologies to all those disappointed folks who hoped the plane(s) would crash |
[20 Apr 2003|11:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
chrispy :) |
] |
I am in such a fabulous mood.
I've had some wonderful conversations with people in the past twenty minutes, it's odd.
And my meds are really kicking in, I can feel it. I'm genuinely content with my life.
And yes, Vegas was absolutely to die for!
I'll go into more detail later. If I decide to.
And the song is "Look At You". So yeah.
|
|
|
[15 Apr 2003|06:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Like A Virgin" Moulin Rouge |
] |
I don't think I like "Miss Independant" by Kelly. I really don't.
It reminds me of a Hanson song, but I can't think of which one. I know it's on Middle of Nowhere, but I don't know which one it is. I'll look at it, and let you know.
Beyond that, I don't really have much to say, except that in 24 hours I will be on a plane to Vegas!!! I am SO excited!
I mean, really.
And it'll just be me and my mommy, so I'll get to spend some time with her. Which is exciting.
I'll be back Easter morning, barely in time for church. I'm not looking forward to it. We're leaving Vegas at one in the morning.
|
|
|
[14 Apr 2003|06:25am] |
Just so that everyone knows, I wasn't home taping anything or whatever on Saturday.
My mom wanted me to buy something on QVC for her, and that's why I was home. Don't believe it? Call her.
I tried to get a ride at 9, but I couldn't.
It's the truth, and I won't condemn myself for it.
|
|
| "A new religion/That'll bring you to your knees" |
[13 Apr 2003|09:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Black Velvet" Alannah Myles |
] |
I watched my candle burn tonight. And it made me want to reflect upon this year.
And though I know they'll never read it, I have some things to say to a few people. Unsent letters to send, if you will.
The names are the changed names from rainbowjelly.
Marina, Jeri-
I have nothing, nothing to say to you. I wish I did. I wish that I could say that I'm sorry for what I did. That I didn't mean anything. But I said it, and I did it. And I don't take it back.
Alex-
You. I've lost all respect that I had ever had for you. You don't deserve it. Unfortunately, I didn't realize it until it was far too late. I wish I could say that I don't miss our friendship, but I do. And that will never change. Because there was a closeness there that I'll never have with anyone again. Because I can't trust anymore, for fear that they'll do the same to me that you have done. Not that what you did was the worst thing ever done to me, but it was pretty damn close. You've killed a part of my spirit, Alex, and there is no reviving it. And I hate being that vulnerable to you. Because you don't deserve it. But I am.
Josh-
I understand. Because I feel the same way. But I would be lying in some strange way if I didn't mention that I hate it. I. Hate. It. But I understand. And it's not your fault. It may be mine. I don't know. But I'm still here. That may or may not help. But I'm still here.
That's all for now. Quite frankly, I just don't feel like writing any more of those.
I will say this:
I miss the way thing used to be. I've grown and I've changed. And some of it is for the good. But though I'll miss the past, it's time that I get over it.
I'm happy now. And I've lost some qualities of myself over the course of a year, but I've gained something. I'm stronger now than I ever was.
And I'm willing to forgive myself. Because, quite frankly, it's not all my fault. And I'm sick of pretending that it is for the satisfaction of other people.
This is my life. And goddamnit! I will live it how I want to live it.
Fuck you, Jeri. Fuck you, Tawny. Fuck you, Marina. Fuck you, Alexia. And most of all, fuck you Alex. Because you're the worst of all of them.
|
|
|
[13 Apr 2003|09:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Losing All Control" Rooney |
] |
( Quizzes )
So yeah. I'm doing my Euro work for the group project.
Somebody seriously needs to talk to Baronner about the homework for next week. Because 6 assignments is fucking ridiculous.
But that's just me.
|
|
|
[11 Apr 2003|05:12pm] |
| I am the Natural Childhood is the golden paradise we are always consciously or unconsciously trying to re-create. The Natural embodies the longed-for qualities of childhood - spontaneity, sincerity, unpretentiousness. In the presence of Naturals, we feel at ease, caught up in their playful spirit, transported back to that golden age. Adopt the pose of the Natural to neutralize people's defensiveness and infect them with helpless delight. Symbol: The Lamb. So soft and endearing. At two days old the lamb can gambol gracefully; within a week it is playing "Follow the Leader." Its weakness is part of its charm. The Lamb is pure innocence, so innocent we want to possess it, even devour it. |
What Type of Seducer are You?
created by  polite_society </p>
|
|
|
[10 Apr 2003|06:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Insensitive" Jann Arden |
] |
Brandon: (to Steph) Let's have sex.
alifetimetoolate [6:46 PM]: I'm going to rip off dave's head
Crimson silk84 [6:46 PM]: lata my home-girl!
Crimson silk84 [6:46 PM]: bust a cap in his ass, yo
alifetimetoolate [6:46 PM]: haha you know it
Crimson silk84 [6:46 PM]: actually, no
Crimson silk84 [6:46 PM]: because that would be bloody and messy
alifetimetoolate [6:46 PM]: lol
Crimson silk84 [6:46 PM]: and who wants to clean up ass tissue?
alifetimetoolate [6:46 PM]: not me
Crimson silk84 [6:46 PM]: not me
Crimson silk84 [6:47 PM]: well, there, we've come to an agreement
alifetimetoolate [6:47 PM]: haha
|
|
|
[10 Apr 2003|06:19am] |
|
What have I become?
|
|
| Banana nut muffin and cottage cheese for breakfast... mmm... |
[10 Apr 2003|06:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Crush" Jennifer Paige |
] |
Yeah. I'm bored.
I hate mornings. There's nothing to do, except check my mail and update my LJ.
So anyway. Is Saddam dead? Like, officially? Or did we just rip down the huge ass statue of him and say that the tyrant has fallen?
If the latter, that's going to piss him off. Because, you know, he's all about that hubris stuff. Or something.
But that's just my observation. It's not like he can do much about it, but still.
I think I'm going to go, I have nothing to say, and I could be doing something important. Like, braiding my hair or something.
|
|
| I don't know why, but I'm really feeling this song right now. |
[09 Apr 2003|09:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
complacent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Save Me" Hanson |
] |
Loving you like I never have before
I'm needing you to open up the door
If begging you might somehow turn the tides
Then tell me to I've got to get this off my mind
I never thought I'd be speaking these words
I never thought I'd need to say
Another day alone is more than I can take
chorus
Won't you save me 'cause saving is what I need
I just want to be by your side
Won't you save me I don't want to be
Just drifting through the sea of life
Won't you
Listen please baby don't walk out that door
I'm on my knees you're all I'm living for
I never thought I'd be speaking these words
Heaven thought I'd find a way
Another day alone is more than I can take
Won't you save me 'cause saving is what I need
I just want to be by your side
Won't you save me I don't want to be
Just drifting through the sea of life
Suddenly the sky is falling
Could it be it's too late for me
If I never said I'm sorry, then I'm wrong, yes I'm wrong
Then I hear my spirit calling
Wondering if she's longing for me
And then I know that I can't live without her
Won't you save me 'cause saving is what I need
I just want to be by your side
Won't you save me I don't want to be
Just drifting through this sea of life
Won't you save me
Won't you save me
Won't you save me
|
|
| "You're every sin/I've had to pay" |
[09 Apr 2003|07:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
quixotic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Die Another Day" Madonna |
] |
This has been, quite easily, one of the ODDEST days of my life. No joke.
I'm not entirely sure why certain things happened today that happened, but I'm pretty sure that I didn't dream them. Pretty sure being the operative term here.
Was today real?
Oh God... I'm slipping into that existential theory of thinking that Mrs. Lucas is always talking about. That is definitely not what I want for myself. So I think I'll stop that right here, right now.
Speaking of Mrs. Lucas, she said something today that bothered me. When she found out no one in my class had read Death of a Salesman, she said that we don't have a strong literary base.
Which made me angry. Because I do have a strong literary base. Just because I haven't read Death of a Salesman that doesn't make me literarily stupid.
So I sure as hell hope that she wasn't talking to me. Because she knows that I read. She knows what I read.
I've talked to her about my reading habits. I mean, I haven't read every classic there is to read, I grant you this, but I have read a plethra of literature, classic and modern.
So yeah. I have a feeling I'll be changing my college majors. Simply because I'm a better reader than I am a writer. But I don't know.
There are a lot of thoughts running through my head right now. Alot of it questions. Doubts. Fears. You know, the normal stuff.
Yeah. I'm going to go and think some more. Which could be dangerous.
|
|
|
[08 Apr 2003|03:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"When Doves Cry" Prince |
] |
Stole it.
The biggest lie you ever told. "I'm fine, it's no big deal. Don't worry about it."
Your deepest fear about growing old. Being hurt and abandoned by the people I love.
The loneliest night you ever spent. All of those nights I waited for the phone to ring, but it never did. I didn't care who was on the line, I just wanted it to be for me.
The angriest letter you never sent. That's a toss-up.
The girl you swore you'd never leave. Kristin.
The one you kissed on New Year's Eve. Chrispy.
The sweetest dream you had last night. I forget last night's, but I've been having some pretty good ones lately.
Your darkest hour. Shattered glass. That's all I will say about that.
Your hardest fight. Not bowing down. Never once lowering my head.
The saddest song you ever heard. "Hallelujah" Rufus Wainwright
The most you said with just one word. "Don't"
The loneliest prayer you ever prayed. That's between myself and God.
The truest vow you ever made. I wouldn't lose my innocense. I don't know how true that is anymore, though.
What makes you laugh. Molly. Stephy. Chrispy. Jeff. Shawn. Katie. Brandon. Cartoons.
What makes you cry. Everything. And nothing.
What makes you mad. Again, everything. And nothing.
What gets you by. Sometimes nothing. To be honest, though, there are just certain people that I think of when at my lowest points, and they give me strength. Because they have strength, and I want to be like them.
Your highest high. ...I'm not entirely sure.
Your lowest low. Dead, blackened roses that were once yellow. There is enough there to show the literary what they need to know, and to still be vague.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
tiredmuse's journal